Madison Readers Questions, May 2009

Twelve months ago I split up with my partner of 4 years because I met someone else. However almost as soon as we ended our relationship I knew it was a mistake. It’s taken almost a year for me to persuade him to let me have another chance but . now I’m worried that our relationship can never go back to what it was. Is it ever a good idea to try again with someone who’s heart you’ve broken?

Very rarely, as a rule. But that doesn’t stop us trying to be the exception that proves it. Hindsight can make the past look rose-tinted, but it’s important to remember that there must have been something not quite right – otherwise you wouldn’t have been tempted elsewhere. I’ve ‘gone back’ to a failed relationship before and it didn’t work out, but I always operate on the basis that if you don’t try, you will never know. And while you don’t know, you can never have closure; the if-onlys and the but-maybes will gnaw away at you. There is only one way to find out for sure and that is to try again – but do so with a realistic mindset because it will not be the same as it was before. Twelve months is a long time and a lot will have changed about him, especially if his heart has hardened up with scar tissue. He will be more fragile and guarded. You might find him a bit colder, more distant, mistrustful, occasionally hurtful. I know I was. These are self-protection measures, the actions of someone who is being careful not to let himself get hurt again. Take it slowly and be prepared to give a little more ground than you ordinarily would. But if at first you don’t succeed, try not to try again – for everyone’s sake.

I recently met a lovely guy at a mutual friend’s party two weeks ago. We got chatting and after discovering we live in the same neighbourhood, he said: “We should meet for coffee sometime” However we didn’t make any firm plans and at the end of the evening he didn’t ask for my number. Was it just friendly ‘guy talk’ or should I get in contact with him. And if so, what’s a grown-up way to ask a man out?

You need to engineer another ‘chance’ meeting. Invent an excuse for a few drinks – something where you are the centre of attention, ideally – and get your mutual friend to make sure the lovely guy in question comes along. Ensure that a lot of your friends are there so you look really popular and so that it doesn’t feel like a high-pressure set up. You could let your mutual friend in on the fact that you quite like him so a subtle hint can be dropped. Guys like some encouragement so long as they don’t feel they are being aggressively pursued. Once you’ve had some Dutch courage (but before you’ve had too much), go and say hi and have a line of conversation to back up the hello. At an appropriate juncture, say: “Oh we never did arrange to go for that coffee. Here, call my phone and then I’ll save your number.” That’s casual but decisive and keeps you in control. If nothing more happens that night, leave it a full day and then text him: “Fancy meeting up for a drink?” Keep it simple and keep him guessing. Make sure you go for an alcoholic drink, though. Coffee is awkward, it makes your breath smell, neither party knows where it is leading. Alcohol removes inhibitions and sometimes clothes.

Me and my partner are due to get married in the next few months and have been putting our guest list together. He wants an ex girlfriend to come, I don’t. Who’s right?

You are – 100 per cent. You’ve already got a million things to worry about on your wedding day; you don’t need an extra one. If her being there is going to make you feel at all uncomfortable, then you are perfectly within your rights to calmly but firmly ask your fiancé to ditch the bitch. End of.